you are enough.

So this summer I gained some weight.

Probably not how you expected this blog post to start out. And for my readers, please note that this isn’t a self deprecating, looking for attention post.

In a world where we are constantly evaluating what to eat next, what work outs to do, etc., I feel it is not often that we find posts that talk about this topic.

A few weeks ago I jokingly texted my best friends, “I’m not sure if I shrunk my clothes or gained weight.” Half joking, half not, I got myself on the scale (for the first time in a few months) and sure enough a good 7lbs had crept their way onto my body.

This sent me into a bit of a shame spiral. How can that be possible? I eat pretty well, with indulgences in moderation! I’m training for a marathon – seriously?! I work out more than I did when I last was this weight! This was all the self-talk and hatred that I was giving myself internally.

I felt like a hypocrite. I tell my friends to talk to themselves like they talk to someone they love. Yet, here I’ve been doing the complete opposite.

I’ve always had mixed feelings on the scale. Typically those were not positive feelings. This one household item has been the thing that at some points in my life I let define me. I remember a summer coming home from college where I literally ate 1000 - 1100 calories a day and worked out on an elliptical every single day, sometimes twice a day. I would weigh myself every single day because it was so important to me that I got back for the semester looking "skinny" and ready for all the big fall campus events, sorority recruitment, and socials that I’d be a part of. I borderline lost a summer over that.

As I tend to internalize and overanalyze, I started thinking what have I been doing this summer that is different that got me here.

And I thought, I’ve been having fun. I’ve been social with my friends. I’ve drank mimosas on a rooftop after doing yoga. I celebrated birthdays. I went to a burlesque show. I went to Mexico and Florida and Boston.  I visited my friends in St. Louis. I’ve planned a major convention (that had it’s fair share of stress) and got to go to Disney World at the end of it! 

So yes, what’s been different is that I’ve been social and I’ve been present. It was the first summer in a few years where I had the opportunity to own my own schedule with no one else in the picture. And with that came a few pounds. I also was stressed and when I’m stressed it is proven that my cortisol levels go way up and that totally affects the body (another topic for another day).

If a few pounds came on as a result of me having drinks with friends, eating out more often and traveling, then I’m doing pretty great. I’d rather know that I continued to deepen connections and make great memories than have sat at home all summer! I'm lucky.

Today I went to the doctor, he told me my blood work was superb and my blood pressure and other vitals were great. I am so thankful for this body that lets me move and do wild things like run 14 miles on a Sunday. Life is an ebb and flow. It’s okay that sometimes you may not love yourself as much as you should, but by damn it’s important to take the work to recognize that you are enough and that you’ll be okay.